I still have a lot of problems expressing my feelings. Tonight I felt wonderful looking back on how far I’ve come, and I really wanted to write about it. I couldn’t even start though because as soon as I tried I got a mental block, and that descended into a panic attack. I don’t know whats going on there. Obviously something buried too far down for me to have conscious access to. I really need to get a therapist.

One thing I have been looking into is Repressed Memory Therapy. I believe that if i can finally make the sexual abuse I suffered conscious I will be able to deal with it and move on instead of having it unconciously torment me all the time. I have been having dreams where I am chased or attacked by a figure with no facial features and I believe these dreams have something to do with the  abuse, and they have come about because I’ve been analysing it and dealing with aspects of it [the ones i can remember anyway.] I am sceptical of RMT though. I need to learn a lot more about it before I seriously consider it.

I don’t think I’ve written very much, if anything at all about FDR since I’ve started going there. Ridiculous! It has been such an amazing journey for me and I haven’t written down a single thing about it. I think I’ll start writing down my emotional experiences of the podcasts as I listen to each one. I don’t know though, Maybe I should explore the root of this anxiety about expressing myself first.

Back to drawing. Here is a podcast for you. Ta

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